Tennis Parents! Should they go away or are they welcome to stay?

This month's article is written for the juniors out there in the tennis world, so if you are a tennis parent you should stop reading this now!!!

Well, I tried. Tennis parents always will be tennis parents I guess. That's ok with me--my hope is that they (parents and coaches) learn from this article on how to positively deal with their tennis juniors. A suggestion for all of you reading this month's article, please remember two things: 1) a mind is like a parachute, it doesn't work if its not open 2) you are helping to mold a future; yours or your child/player. This is a responsibility that is one of the most important in sport and in life!

For the Players

Players, if you are reading this then I guess you probably have been to the point where you feel like telling your tennis parent to $%@#$#$%$. Or if you are fortunate, then you have told them that you really appreciate all their support (and hugged them). We all have parents and no matter how awful they may act, they mean well and they love you! You might even print this article out and then ummm accidentally leave it on the living room table or somewhere obvious where your beloved parents hang out in the home. Anyway, if you can print this article then I figure that you have the capability of cutting and pasting so it might be a good suggestion to cut out what I just said and print the rest.

First of all players, we need to play for a) mom or dad or both b) coach c) yourself d) all of the choices? What do you think is the best answer? Well think about it and I will tell you my perspective later.

Before we go on let's get one thing straight--your parents really do love you! No matter what they do badly or negatively, they really do love you! If your reaction to this statement is "yeeeck, I don't want to hear this," then you might not want to read the rest of this article. But if you are mature enough to appreciate the fact that your parents love you then read on.

If your parent(s) is the kind of tennis parent who gets angrier and angrier if you try to explain yourself then you might want to sit back and just say nothing at first. It'll be tough to do but it may make things easier for you at the time. Also, if you express anger with facial expressions, try to not use them when listening to your parent. If you tend to express feelings with your body then make sure to not fold your arms or take an aggressive stance.

Here are some other suggestions that might help you out with your tennis when it comes to mom and dad:

• If you get to the point that you think you hate tennis, or that you want to quit the game, hold on for a while! I've talked to many kids that reach this point. I suggest not saying anything to your parents that you might find difficult to take back later. You might try to take a personal time out from tennis for that day. Go out with a friend and get your mind off of tennis by doing another activity if you can. Our you might read a book or even play a video game. Anything that will help you keep your mind free from tennis.

• Talk to a friend that will listen! Sometimes just by telling someone that you are hurting helps to get rid of these feelings. If your friend doesn't have any idea what a tennis racquet is, it really doesn't matter. By telling someone that you are hurting it will help you get rid of your negative feelings.

• Like the music group the Smashing Pumpkins song says, "disarm you with a smile." If your parent or coach is angry with you try a subtle smile. Not an ear to ear smile or they might just say, "wipe that smile off your face." Smiling can sometimes bring other people's strong negative emotions down.

• If your parent really pressures you continuously, you need to make sure that you make them understand that you are really hurt by their comments! Make sure that you tell them that you are hurt and possibly scared by their actions. Make sure to be nice with your words. They love you but believe it or not some parents don't like to be told things when they are not said nicely. It's as if they are kids sometimes.

• If you have one parent that is a good tennis parent and the other is a bad tennis parent then try to let your feeling known to the good one so that the bad one learns. When the bad tennis parent starts improving his or her behavior make sure to go out of your way to tell him or her that you have appreciated how they have acted after a loss, etc.

• If you absolutely do not want to talk to your parent(s) because they are completely out of control then I strongly suggest that you sit down with your coach. Talking to your coach can help lots! The tennis coach has probably dealt with your kind of tennis parent in the past and will have suggestions for you on how to deal with them. You even might ask the coach to be there when you talk to your parent(s) about your tennis.

For the Parents

If you are a parent and you have read to this point then most probably you're either a) holding your breath and are a nice shade of red or b) very interested in learning how to parent in the sport of tennis. Well, either way you've got some work cut out for you.

A few thoughts about being a good tennis parent:

• Your kids love you though at times they may not show it, believe me they really do.

• If your child is disturbed by your actions and you see tears, please stop your rampage! You are likely to do long-term damage if you continue berating them at that time.

• Put yourself in their shoes. This means taking into consideration what it is like to be a child in the 90's, not like what it was back when you were a child. Things have changed and so must you!

• If you are daring then ask your child(ren) if they feel any pressure from you. If you ask this then you must be willing not to get angry because of their answer. They will be so vulnerable that if you act negatively to their honesty you may never reach them again.

• About the coach that you've hired to help your child play the game... Number one, give the coach a chance to coach. If the coach is a good coach, let him or her do their job without undue interference.

• Let your children find their way. It is no use buffering all the situations out there where they can do things wrong. Allow your child a chance to make mistakes and to learn from them. It will also allow them a sense of independence, a valuable tool in life. But if your child repeatedly makes similar errors in judgement then it may be time for you to intercede. Sometimes using the coach as a tag-team way of giving feedback works well.

The bottom line is that we all have to learn from our mistakes and that we have to try to our best ability to enjoy the limited time we have with our children and parents. Enjoy doing what you love, and enjoy sharing those times with the special people in your lives. Lastly, juniors if you have a difficult tennis parent please don't hesitate to e-mail me a quick note. I'm always here at reggie@tennisserver.com.

All the best,

Reggie

This column is copyright 2000 by Reggie Vasquez Jr., all rights reserved.

Reggie Vasquez Jr. is one of Canada's leading tennis coaches for juniors. He is actively involved with Tennis Canada's grassroots player development. A frequent and enthusiastic speaker at tennis conferences, he is certified by the U.S.P.T.A., Tennis Canada and the U.S.P.T.R.. For almost 7 years he was a head coach for the Canadian Davis cup Captain's Academy at the Canada's National Tennis Center. He has been a Tennis Canada - National Youth Tennis Center Leader for over 8 years and is presently a head coach of an Elite Tennis Academy. He has experience working with juniors from the absolute beginner to the international caliber tennis player. Reggie is also a published author on junior tennis. His personal web site has additional information on his book, the Tennis for Kids. The Tennis for Kids can be ordered directly at a discount using this link to the Amazon.com online bookstore.

Questions and comments about these columns can be directed to Reggie by electronic mail at reggie@tennisserver.com.