Tennis and Parents: The good the bad and the ugly

If you are a player, coach or parent, I hope that this article will give you a new perspective on the role of the parent in sports.

There is a network of people who play a crucial role in the development of a player. I call it the Tennis Triangle. Who forms this support network? The top of the triangle is the player, the other two points are made up of the parent and coach. In this article, I will discuss the role of the parent. I am sure that many of you have experienced many types of tennis parents, some good and some bad.

Did you know that the worst tennis parents don't know that they are horrible? They truly believe that they are not being a nuisance, rather just showing they care. Did you also know that good tennis parents don't know they are great? They see themselves as only carrying out what a good parent does everyday. I hope that this article will help identify what kind of tennis parent you are.

The good

Great tennis parents are those parents at tennis clubs and junior tournaments who can watch their child play a match and, regardless of result, greet them with a warm smile and kind word. This type of parent is concerned with issues such as did their child have fun while playing. Whether or not their child won or lost is really irrelevant. This special tennis parent knows that the sport of tennis brings with it many skills that will help develop characteristics that are needed in life, such as: independence, dedication, concentration, mistake management, discipline, teamwork, healthy exercise, competitive desire, organizational skills, cooperation and so much more! A great tennis parent is able to communicate with their child and is able to listen with an open mind. I have seen many great tennis parents over my years of teaching! What makes up a great tennis parent? Here are some qualities that I have characterized as great:

• Unconditional love - No matter what occurs on the court during training and competition, this emotion is always visible. This parent knows that this is only a sport and that, at any time, a child may decide to stop participating.

• Unlimited Patience - The good tennis parent knows that a player needs lots of time to develop. This parent knows that it takes many years for a player to fully develop, not just months.

• Positive attitude - The road to development is long and it takes a strong person to continuously show positive emotions. Knowing that their child is in the hands of an experienced, certified coach allows the parent to feel more at ease in terms of development.

• Support - This parent is able to continuously show care, love and many other emotions and actions that encompass the feeling of support. From emotional support to financial support, this type of parent knows how to prioritize what really matters, which is the well being of the child.

The bad and ugly

Type B: This parent is the one who only is heard from when things, in their perspective, are going poor. This parent usually makes very little effort in actually supporting their child's tennis efforts other than paying the bills (a vital role nonetheless). This means that, as long as their child is winning matches, then all is fine. This parent's entire perspective depends on pure results and nothing more. They can not see the role of development, are very shortsighted and fixated on the moment. This parent lacks vision and belief in both the child and coach. It is a sad situation that usually occurs when a player has this type of parent. This type of parent is very likely to make many personal coach changes in a very short period of time. If one coach can not continuously make their child win, then they believe that "switching" is the key. They fail to see the important relationship between personal coach and player.

There are many other types of poor tennis parents, but I think you get the picture. The following are characteristics that are commonly found in the poor tennis parent:

• Unconditional love? - This parent values winning as the sole reason for participation. This parent believes in outwardly showing negative emotions and takes advantage of a child's intrinsic love to their parent. They truly believe that they can not hurt their child by yelling or saying obscenities because the child should always know that they are loved.

• Limited Patience - Patience is definitely not a strong suit, but this type of parent does have patience, as long as their child is winning. The problem lies in the lack of understanding in terms of development in relation to time. This impatient tennis parent often believes in switching coaches in order to properly develop their child. Just imagine switching your doctor after every visit. Not a very comforting thought is it?

• Negative Attitude - A poor tennis parent can easily be spotted in a crowd of tennis spectators. Look for people who show physical and verbal emotions triggered by a player's unforced errors or wins. Listen for sounds, adjectives and obscenities. Soon enough you will be able to identify this person.

• Judgmental - Always looking for faults, this parent, otherwise known as a "fault finder," prefers to look for negatives in a player. Now remember, if you are looking for something all the time, then you will probably see it. The bottom line is that, sooner or later, win or lose, this parent will find the wrong.

• Communication to player - The poor tennis parent will communicate in a dictator-type relation with their child. There is no room for the player or child to give their side of the story. Often the child ends up crying, or just nodding in order to stop the bombardment of negativism.

• Constant Negative Feedback - This quality really gets deep down into the mentality of the player. A player who has this type of parent really never has a chance to relax at home. At the dinner table, while watching TV or any time the child and parent are in close proximity, they are bound to give some negative feedback. Mom or dad, can't you see that your child is suffering the loss without you making things worse? It will not make them train harder if you continuously jabber negative remarks about them.

What can we do to make things better for players?

1. Remember your child will love you no matter what and that we should never take advantage of that. Taking out the garbage is the exception to the rule!

2. Remember the reason why the player, your son or daughter, is playing: love of sport and for themselves.

3. Try to rationalize why your child is playing. Also remember all players deserve to dream.

4. Your child knows you the best and can sense when you are feeling tense, angry, disappointed, etc.

5. If you cannot relax, then become the best actor/ actress you can be to disguise harmful negative emotions.

6. Educate yourself to find coping and relaxation strategies when your emotions are overwhelming.

7. Take the time to listen to your child.

8. Give your child space. Try not to add additional pressures.

9. When your child loses a match, remember that they really wanted to win, not lose.

10. Give the coach a chance to improve the player, and not just for a few months. Trust the coach to perform their job.

1. Educate your tennis players parent(s)! This means giving them a brief update on a regular basis of how their child is improving. After all, they are paying the bills!

2. Make the effort to speak to at least one of the parent(s). You are not responsible to become a parrot and repeat what has already been said.

3. Development. This is the most difficult area for parents to understand, so take the time to explain learning curves, restoration time, etc.

4. Do your homework and become as educated as possible. If that means becoming certified or upgrading your certification level, great!

5. Attend coach workshops, tennis conferences and junior and professional tournaments to have excellent playing reference points.

6. Coach/ student relationship. Make sure to find a good balance between being a professional coach and a friend.

7. You cannot want the player to improve more than the player wants him or her self to improve! I learned this lesson long ago. Even if it breaks your heart to see a waste of talent, you can only do so much for the player.

8. Be a true professional. Constantly update your knowledge base. Each year, doctors and school teachers have to take educational courses to meet professional requirements. You should too!

9. One day, a player that you coach may leave you for another coach. Don't fret. It happens, so try to be professional in the separation process.

10. Be big enough to accept that you may not be qualified to teach certain players due to their caliber. You are a means for a player to develop; a professional vehicle that enables a player to grow both as a person and a player! Remember there are many types of doctors and lawyers, etc.

About parents becoming coaches: there are always exceptions to this rule that parents do not make great coaches. There are some instances where, because of financial constraints, the parent should take more of a role in development. I realize that there are many successful coach/ parent types on both the junior and professional levels. Please just realize that, for as many good stories, there are as many horror stories. Love your children, support your students and strive for excellence, but respect them always.

About you my readers! Many of my readers have told me through letters and conversations that they often print out my article and post it on their information boards at their clubs for others to read. That is simply a great idea! If this month's article has had an impact or hits close to home, then maybe you should print it up and post it for certain people to see? Or print it up and just leave it on a table somewhere, say the kitchen or living room. If you decide to do this, you might want to cut this specific paragraph out.

This article marks my first completed year as a tennis columnist for Tennis Server. I look forward to many more years of sharing information and ideas. I would just like to express how much I have appreciated your e-mails and kind words from all over our tennis world. It makes me very happy to know that many of you are taking the time and responsibility to become educated. For your information, readers of my column include: parents of players of all ages, players of many ages and caliber, coaches of all levels, tennis organizations and related tennis businesses. I invite you to drop me a line, send me a note (if you haven't done so) and let me know how you think I'm doing. I applaud you for your efforts to educate yourself and thanks for reading this month's article.

Make an impact and, remember, make it fun!

Reggie

P.S. please find below some fun top ten lists I created.

Here are some of my fun top ten list, remember they are for fun only!

TOP 10 DEMENTED TENNIS PARENTS SAYINGS! (PLAYER THOUGHTS)

1. Why didn't you win? (Maybe it was because of the many colorful faces and noises you kept making after each point I lost?)

2. What's wrong with you? Don't you want to win? (No, I just train __ days a week and sacrifice Seinfield each Thursday to finish my homework!)

3. I can't believe you lost to that player @#*!@**!! (Ya, like I really wanted to lose...)

4. When are we playing the next tournament match? (I didn't know you were on court with me...)

5. Didn't you try your hardest? (Maybe, I should have used my dominant hand...)

6. No television for you for a week! (What's next? No food?)

7. Alright, now you will make it to this section of the draw and then we'll have a tough match in the semi's... (Slow down a minute. Who are you? Merlin the magician?)

8. You are changing coaches again! (Sure that's fine, 9 coaches in 2 months...nice!)

9. No more tennis for you if you lose this match! (No really, I feel calm and relaxed)

10. Tennis is a waste of my time and money! (Please, too much encouragement will make my head too big)

TOP 10 LIST - TROUBLED COACHES SAYINGS! (PLAYER THOUGHTS)

1. How could you lose that match?!? (Don't you know why? Aren't you the coach?)

2. I am king. You are but ant dung... (Me Tarzan you Jane...)

3. I am so disappointed in your performance... (Thanks for the words of encouragement!)

4. Does this player ever listen?! (Like I only pay you $__ per hour just for fun)

5. If you don't do this, you have run laps! (Yes, you are helping me appreciate the love of physical conditioning)

6. You !@$#%^&*! (Next time I should bring my tape recorder... surprise!)

7. Very good follow through, good follow throu...zzzzzzzzzzzz (feedback to the player during the 10th lesson on court)

8. What time is it? (Oh, I'm sorry, am I keeping you from something?)

9. How many times do I have to tell you?!?! (Once if you explain it better)

10. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...(Here it comes, a nice soothing lecture...)

TOP 10 LIST - PLAYERS SAYINGS! (REAL MEANING)

1. You *@!#%^&*!%&^@!!! (*@!#%^&*!%&^@!!!)

2. You're the biggest push in the world! (I should be beating this player like a drum!)

3. What a hook! (You #%^&*!%&!!!!!)

4. That guy's in the Zone! (Great... how lucky could I be?)

5. He's a choker...(my great grandmother hits bigger)

6. Hey, what are the girls/ guys room numbers? (During tournaments out of town)

7. Who's got the cards? (Time to make some cash-ola)

8. a. Did you see that picture of Anna Kournikova? (Heaven, I'm in heaven)
   b. Did you see that picture of Patrick Rafter? (Heaven, I'm in heaven)

9. What a tanker! (loser...)

10. Did you watch last night's Seinfeld? (That wasn't a pick, it was a scratch!)

This column is copyright 1998 by Reggie Vasquez Jr., all rights reserved.

Reggie Vasquez Jr. is one of Canada's leading tennis coaches for juniors. He is actively involved with Tennis Canada's grassroots player development. A frequent and enthusiastic speaker at tennis conferences, he is certified by the U.S.P.T.A., Tennis Canada and the U.S.P.T.R.. For almost 7 years he was a head coach for the Canadian Davis cup Captain's Academy at the Canada's National Tennis Center. He has been a Tennis Canada - National Youth Tennis Center Leader for over 8 years and is presently a head coach of an Elite Tennis Academy. He has experience working with juniors from the absolute beginner to the international caliber tennis player. Reggie is also a published author on junior tennis. His personal web site has additional information on his book, the Kids' Book of Tennis. The Kids' Book of Tennis can be ordered directly at a discount using this link to the Amazon.com online bookstore.

Questions and comments about these columns can be directed to Reggie by electronic mail at reggie@tennisserver.com.